I tried to convince myself that I was under no threat and that my fears were unjustified, but I quickly began to be afraid of everyone and feared that my life was in danger. I did not know what to do. I had no idea that I could have paranoid schizophrenia; I did not even know what schizophrenia was.
During this time I had my first and worst psychotic experience. It was an extremely frightening time and still scares me now as I think of it. As I lay on my bed trying to relax, I suddenly found myself in complete darkness. I had the experience of being physically vortexed into my own dark mind. I cannot truly explain what went on, but the feeling of it still terrifies me. I screamed to be let out, and as I screamed I found myself back on my bed with a strange sensation around my head. It was as though I was sucked into my own dark mind away from any life or reality. It was this type of experience that finally gave me the courage to approach a doctor. I was immediately signed off from work and referred for assessment with a psychiatrist in London. I was now at the beginning of my full blown illness, and I decided to leave London and move to Devon, where I thought it would be harder for the KGB to find me.
In 2005, I travelled to Tibet and stayed at Rongbuk for a short while. From there, you can see Everest in all its magnificence. I knew then that I wanted to climb the great mountain, to help to prove to myself, society, and healthcare professionals that I should not have been written off from life and that we can overcome the severest problems and scale the greatest heights.
Father, today I ask forgiveness of all the negative and harmful words I have spoken about myself. I do not want to abuse myself in such a way again. Transform my thoughts and let me understand how marvelously you made me. Change my habits so I use my tongue to speak hope and favor upon my life. In Jesus' name. (Sarah Coleman)
Dear Heavenly Father, When I committed my life to Your son Jesus and asked Him to come live in my heart, You forgave me for my past sins. I am grateful for that forgiveness, but sometimes those memories resurface. I feel guilty over any pain I caused and struggle to forgive myself.
THE worst thing I ever stole waltzed into my life on high-heeled shoes and left in its wake an aortic pump bumping along on a leash. That she knows how every strand of hair lifted by the breeze drives another through my sanity, I have no doubt. If only I could lose myself in a haze of cigarette smoke, drown my sorrows in brain-thudding heavy metal. But no, I traded in my lighter for her. I traded it in the very first day she slid into the chair next to mine and snubbed out my cancer stick. Like she owned me. She does own me. 2b1af7f3a8